You Hurt Me

I have been trying to figure out a way to say it for a year now. 

But there really is only one way to say it. 

You hurt me.

You hurt my family. 

You made community and friendship hard for me. 

I never feel good enough now.

I always feel less than. 

And you only had to say 7 words. 

You were the first family that we "did life" with. 

We praised God for when you came along because we thought this was the family of like minded people that you have put in our lives to grow us and we can grow them. 

You were mentors to us, but first you were our friends. 

We shared our biggest secrets with you. 

We trusted you. 

But...

I guess we didn't make the final cut. 

For whatever reason. 

I get it. 

I do. 

But I need to know why.

"I guess we don't have time anymore."

Cuts deeper than knowing the reason. 

Or maybe it doesn't. 

Maybe the reason is something about us that would hurt us even more. 

And the wondering is the worst part. 

I know it sounds stupid. 

It sounds dramatic.

It sounds pretty. 

But when I see photos of the people you are doing life with now. Or I hear about the milestones your family has hit over the years...I want to defend myself. I want to say, "We are just as good!" But my confidence whispers, "I think...." 

You hurt me. 

You hurt us.

You interrupted my Husband's Christian walk. You hurt him early on in his Faith, which is just the thing he feared. 

I know that we will probably never walk together again, but that's okay. It is a part of our story and God has brought new families into our lives who have endured the same rejection and despite that, they want to try again. I fear getting hurt again. I fear sharing my heart with someone. Sharing my friendship. I fear walking in ministry with someone the way we had planned to do. But we are not called to be so guarded, so I step cautiously into new territory instead of leaping this time. 

And I know that one day I will look back on our friendship and my heart won't ache. I will be healed. And I will be able to clearly see only the good that came out of our time living life together.

I only wish you the best. I pray for you and your family consistently. For the ministry and your marriage and your children. Even if you never think of us again, I want to thank you for helping us grow.