This is the second year that I have not been fraught with sadness at the holidays because I felt empty.
I miss our Lucy. I long for her daily. She van never be replaced, but when God Blessed us with Sara, I felt refreshed and forgiven. We were given the chance to be parents again. I had the opportunity to mother another precious life, something I never in my life thought I would have again. Our house is a changed home. The holidays are more exciting. Two girls unwrapping their gifts and giggling and playing together. Sibling drinking their hot chocolate. (Oh Yes, Little S LOVES her lukewarm chocolate!) Two girls on vacation admoring the Chrostmas lights and playing together in the water at the hotel. All these things overshadow the darkest memories of my past that happened during Christmas of 2009.
A tiny child made that change for us. And yet, I have spent the last year of her life struggling with my being "Just a Mom." Is she "Just a Child?" Does the sun rise and set without the world being even the slightest bit different because of my being "Just a Mom?" No. The world IS changed. I am raising disciples of Jesus. I am teaching the gospel. I am teaching my girls to have a relationship with God. I am showing my girls how to be a wife, how to build a marriage. I am teaching my daughter's how to model the Proverbs 31 Woman. Am I perfect? No. But did God entrust me to be their Mom and show them these things? Yes. He did. So the least I can do, is give it all I have.
While I long to be at the forefront of the Pro-Life Mission again one day, I know this is but a season of life in which my girls have delicate needs. The needs of a newborn/infant are made clear to me when I realize she received all of her necessary nutrients from my milk over the past year. She literally relied on my for her survival. Every time she cried to be held or nursed to sleep, she needed my comfort in order for her emotional needs to be met and give her the foundation to develop correctly. How could I have provided that if I had kept myself spread thin like I was? Every time my 8/9 year old wanted to talk about something personal, I knew it was a chance to talk about God's design for Christians, for women, and for Moms. She needed me too. How can I expect her to go out and disciple and be a helping hand or lend an ear to those in need if I am in a place in life where I cannot model that and I refuse to make it a priority when I have a the choice? I can't. Such delicate ages. And they need to be treated like so. I can still serve-in my church and at Heritage Girls. (I won't fool myself for a second and think the troop does not make a difference for them!) And it won't be long until I can have the girls with me sitting in the pews while they are lives transformed because of what God did with Lucy's story. And it won't be long before my littlest will be able to help out too.
Until then, I can rest in the fact that God does not see me as the world sees me. He sees me as a strong woman raising children to Love Him and Follow Him. He sees me as a wife who tries to encourage her Husband to seek Godly things. He sees me as a prayer warrior. He sees me as a servant all day long, providing for my Girls and for my Husband. He knows I am not perfect, but he is working on me, piece by piece, and helping me to fill in all the cracks of my Mended cup-until whatever comes next...is here.
I miss our Lucy. I long for her daily. She van never be replaced, but when God Blessed us with Sara, I felt refreshed and forgiven. We were given the chance to be parents again. I had the opportunity to mother another precious life, something I never in my life thought I would have again. Our house is a changed home. The holidays are more exciting. Two girls unwrapping their gifts and giggling and playing together. Sibling drinking their hot chocolate. (Oh Yes, Little S LOVES her lukewarm chocolate!) Two girls on vacation admoring the Chrostmas lights and playing together in the water at the hotel. All these things overshadow the darkest memories of my past that happened during Christmas of 2009.
A tiny child made that change for us. And yet, I have spent the last year of her life struggling with my being "Just a Mom." Is she "Just a Child?" Does the sun rise and set without the world being even the slightest bit different because of my being "Just a Mom?" No. The world IS changed. I am raising disciples of Jesus. I am teaching the gospel. I am teaching my girls to have a relationship with God. I am showing my girls how to be a wife, how to build a marriage. I am teaching my daughter's how to model the Proverbs 31 Woman. Am I perfect? No. But did God entrust me to be their Mom and show them these things? Yes. He did. So the least I can do, is give it all I have.
While I long to be at the forefront of the Pro-Life Mission again one day, I know this is but a season of life in which my girls have delicate needs. The needs of a newborn/infant are made clear to me when I realize she received all of her necessary nutrients from my milk over the past year. She literally relied on my for her survival. Every time she cried to be held or nursed to sleep, she needed my comfort in order for her emotional needs to be met and give her the foundation to develop correctly. How could I have provided that if I had kept myself spread thin like I was? Every time my 8/9 year old wanted to talk about something personal, I knew it was a chance to talk about God's design for Christians, for women, and for Moms. She needed me too. How can I expect her to go out and disciple and be a helping hand or lend an ear to those in need if I am in a place in life where I cannot model that and I refuse to make it a priority when I have a the choice? I can't. Such delicate ages. And they need to be treated like so. I can still serve-in my church and at Heritage Girls. (I won't fool myself for a second and think the troop does not make a difference for them!) And it won't be long until I can have the girls with me sitting in the pews while they are lives transformed because of what God did with Lucy's story. And it won't be long before my littlest will be able to help out too.
Until then, I can rest in the fact that God does not see me as the world sees me. He sees me as a strong woman raising children to Love Him and Follow Him. He sees me as a wife who tries to encourage her Husband to seek Godly things. He sees me as a prayer warrior. He sees me as a servant all day long, providing for my Girls and for my Husband. He knows I am not perfect, but he is working on me, piece by piece, and helping me to fill in all the cracks of my Mended cup-until whatever comes next...is here.
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